Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
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My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
i’m still crying at this
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere