“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
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My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.