Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
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My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
early stone age tool
i’m laughing very hard in real life
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.