Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
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5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.