If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
You Might Also Like
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Erm…
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
The French cow says MEUX…
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian