GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
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you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.