I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
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Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
gm
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.