him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
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a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
hi why am I like this
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to