Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
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If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
real
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.