Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
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I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I wish I could veto my bills.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.