They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
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Just had my nails done!
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Matt Goss
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.