Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
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me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.