“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
You Might Also Like
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.