ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
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My sex drive has a dui
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Rambo Rambow
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks