I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
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After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
birds and squirrels envy us
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you