People who are bad at hiding, I see you
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I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
thanks auntie mary
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?