I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
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i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
how to exercise your calf muscles
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens