If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
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Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon