Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
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My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
The happy life.. 😊
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers