Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
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Aaaa…CHOO!
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Me too 😆
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Cats (2019)
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Catercrombie & Fish
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter