[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
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Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.