Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
You Might Also Like
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
United Steaks of America
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.