*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
You Might Also Like
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
*orders delivery*
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective