if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
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If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
my nickname in college
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.