When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
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love it when they get my name right
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”