Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
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*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Going to church you guys need anything
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere