To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
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So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
operators are standing by to ignore your call