“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
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Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
We cut our bangs at dawn.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.