[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
You Might Also Like
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
🤣🤣🤣
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.