[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
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angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me