I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
You Might Also Like
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
How animals would run if they were human
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.