People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
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You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
spicy snake
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help