If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
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For the ones in the back.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
S O O N
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch