Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
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After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”