Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
You Might Also Like
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.