If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
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That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Cake safety first. Always.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
It do be feeling this way.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*