Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
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i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
This is a sub tweet
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.