If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
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Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Seems kinda suspicious
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Every time my phone rings
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Google reviews are always so mixed..
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.