[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
You Might Also Like
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested