Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
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DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave