Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
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DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Guantanamo Bae
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.