You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
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*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”