Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
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I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.