*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
You Might Also Like
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
PLOT TWIST:
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”