Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
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Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.