them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
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What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
wtf is a larm clock?
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”