Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
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In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]