Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
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If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
what?
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
looks legit
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem