If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
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The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
i think both sides are to blame here
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.