Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
You Might Also Like
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend